Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. I can't believe she's not here with us. No one ever expects to lose a child. It's the worst thing imaginable and comes with a pain that will never go away. Mia is my first child, and I remember all the excitement I felt prior to her birth. I remember thinking about all the wonderful things we'd get to do with her and all the love we'd get to show her.  There were so many plans for the future.

What hurts the most sometimes is all the things I wish she was here to experience with us.  I want to take her to the park with us, go for walks, see her play in a pool, cuddle with her and watch tv. There are so many moments in our lives that just don't feel complete without her here. I want to see her meet her new little sister when she's born. I know that Mia is always with us, but I wish I could see her reaction to so many things. And I know that she is having an amazing time in heaven, and that too, I wish I could get a glimpse of. I want to see her smile and laugh while she does something fun. I want to see her dance and run and jump and play. Those are things I don't get the joy of seeing here on earth. I know her life in heaven is infinitely better than it was here on earth, but I miss her. I miss holding her little hand, kissing her cheek, and seeing her face.  All the things I wish for are just the everyday things parents get to do with their children.

We do many things to cope and deal with not having her here anymore. Our Mia garden is nice tribute to her memory. It makes us feel good to have created something beautiful in her honor. Her memory is very much alive at our house through pictures and her belongings. We discuss happy memories that make us smile. I'm also working on a photo book of her life, so that I can share her memory with future siblings. I want them to know how incredible their sister was, even though they never get to meet her. Even the process of creating the book is therapeutic. I love remembering all the moments with Mia. We cherished every moment we had because we never knew how long she'd be here. In a way, that's how we should always live. When you live like that, you see the beauty in the smallest things and truly treasure them. 

I believe when you're in this situation that we're in, it could be so easy to think negatively and be depressed. But we have always appreciated all we had with Mia even though we wanted more. From the beginning, we knew we were blessed. We never felt sorry for ourselves. We had this beautiful, amazing little girl...why should anyone feel sorry for themselves about that? I think that mentality is what allows us to survive and get through this. Mia's time here was precious, beautiful, and meaningful. Part of our role as her parents is to continue spreading her message and helping those in similar positions. I know that's why God chose us. It's definitely hard not having her here, but I know I was truly lucky to be Mia's mother.

Tough Times

Today we had a meeting with all of Mia's doctors to discuss what's been going on. It was a difficult meeting. They said things we already knew they were thinking. They have concerns. They are worried that things might not get better. She is not getting better very fast, and it's hard to see much improvement at times. And she still has the feeding issue in addition to her current respiratory problem.

These past few weeks have been extremely difficult. There have been times I felt we might lose Mia. I wasn't sure if she was going to pull through. As hard as it for me to say this, I've went shopping and wondered if I should pick something out for her to be buried in. I don't say the thought out loud or mention it to Lee because it makes it even more real. I still have hope, but I also know there's a very real possibility God might decide to take Mia.

I pray for miracles everyday, but I also pray for God to let me know which direction take with Mia's care. As much as I want her here, I never want to keep her here for my own selfish reasons. I want her to be happy, and it scares me that could possibly mean we no longer have her here with us.

What I do know is that these past eight months have been the best times of my life. She has filled our lives with so much love and joy. She has taught us so much in her short little life. She has made me look at things differently and appreciate things. We celebrate the little things and cherish them. What she's done for us in these months, we will carry for a lifetime.

All we can do now is place everything in God's hands with the understanding that whatever happens, He will help us get through it.