Today I'm not feeling as strong as I usually do. Not sure exactly what it is. I think it's just one of those days when things hit you a little harder. Even though I was going to be spending Thanksgiving apart from most of my family, I was happy to be with Mia. I was happy that we would have each other today. In the afternoon, I asked the nurse and respiratory therapist to help situate everything so I could hold her. I sat with her for three hours. I looked at her beautiful little face and thanked God for blessing me with her. Every day with Mia is a blessing.
At some point, I started feeling sad. I think it has to do with a combination of things. I think I started feeling lonely when I saw everyone's Thanksgiving posts. Of course I'm happy everyone was having a good day, but I think it just further reminded me that Mia was spending her first Thanksgiving in the hospital. After holding Mia for a few hours, I was feeling hungry so I went to the cafeteria to get a Thanksgiving meal. I was actually looking forward to it. When I went to get my meal, they were out of stuffing and green bean casserole. As stupid as it sounds, that really upset me. I think I really needed it to feel like Thanksgiving, and I felt let down.
I just feel mad. Mad that things aren't easier for Mia. I so deeply know how it feels to have real fears of losing my daughter. No one should have to feel that pain. But this is reality in the PICU. You are surrounded by people in the same situation. I've seen too many sad things. Out there in the "real world", it's so easy to live in a bubble. I'm sure I would be the same way if I wasn't in this situation. So if you're one of the lucky ones blessed with healthy children, don't ever take that for granted.
